Run hard, live easy...

Sweaty sweaty sweaty!

Had a beast mode run this evening with my mom! She used to be the running ninja but it seems we've switched roles because now it's me beating her in our runs...by a considerable amount! Today is definitely a day where I feel the running love!

HUZZAH!

Festive Cheer!

12/2/10: 226.2

BMI: 34.4

12/16/10: 219.4

BMI: 33.4

So, last week I committed to measuring and tracking EVERYTHING that I ate and boy did it pay off! I lost FOUR pounds on my second week back on my mission! FOUR POUNDS! Now, I'm only 9.4 pounds away from back to my 50 pound weight loss achievement! I finally feel like I'm back on track and it makes me feel like I'm in control...which equals a HAPPY Leanne! I've decided that I quite like the Points Plus program. It pushes you to make healthier choices everyday. For instance, all fruit is zero points, so whenever I'm hungry I grab some fruit to satisfy me instead of something less healthy, like a tootsie pop or chips etc. Also, I've turned into quite the alcoholic this past summer and seeing as alcohol has gone drastically up in Points Plus values...I know that that has got to change NOW. This program is pushing me to decide whether alcohol is really worth losing al those points and most of the time it's not. Being that drinking makes me a slack runner and lowers my food inhibitions, this is a good thing.

I've decided to abstain from drinking unless it's a holiday, birthday, big celebration, or I just really really want or need a drink after a particular day.

We shall see how this turns out...

Christmas is less than a week away! EEEEE!!! And I've already decided that I'm going to nip into my weekly points plus allowance so I can enjoy myself without stressing over what I'm eating while I'm with my family.

My Christmas day (and night) plan:

Breakfast:

Scrambled egg with cheese

cereal

FRUIT FRUIT FRUIT

Christmas lunch/dinner:

Salad

VEGETABLES

some form of meat...probably turkey

mashed potatoes

artichoke stuff

Snacks:

I will have either one small brownie or a small piece of cake (both are sugar free)

FRUIT

Drinks:

WATER, WATER, WATER

Activity:

Walking around the neighborhood to look at all of the pretty lights.

Also, maybe my mom and I can get an early morning run in before we head to my aunt's house (Don't hold me to that!)

That's my plan and I'm sticking to it! :)

Let your heart be light, from now on our troubles will be out of sight.

12/2/10: 226.2

BMI: 34.4

12/9/10: 223.4

BMI: 34.0

I lost 2.8 on my first week back on my mission! Can I get a huzzah!?

I went a little back into my fatty ways the tuesday before weigh in so I got scared and decided I was going to skip that weeks weigh in. But I started thinking about how last time I did this I played the scale game. I would wear the lightest clothes I had and would not eat anything past 1 pm on weigh in day to get optimum results and I've realized that this journey isn't a game of "What's the scale say?" It's so much more than that! It's about feeling better about myself, being held accountable for what I'm putting in my body, and just being in control. I am in control of my life, NOT the scale. So long story short, I went to weigh-in and ended up being down almost 3 pounds, needless to say I was a happy, happy girl!

Those were the goals I had set for 2010...can we all zone in on the fact that Mission Mollie was my number one goal!? And for the most part of the year, I stuck on it! Because of my perseverance, I am almost 40 pounds lighter than I was at this time last year and I couldn't be happier. For the first time in a very, very long time, I stuck to my guns and saw out my resolutions throughout the year and I'm a happier person because of it.

By the end of 2010, I will also have completed #s 2,3,7, & 8. I made a list of 10 things I wanted to achieve and I got through half of them! I would have been happy with just one goal under my belt...but having 5 is the best Christmas present to myself EVER!

I've actually been tracking what I eat this week and I feel very much like I felt when I joined weight watchers back in January of '10. The new plan has me all kinds of excited and I feel like I'm getting to start fresh and really see what I can do with all the tools I'm given.

I'm ecstatic to get back to that 50 pound weight loss mark and go beyond that to 60, 70, maybe even 80 pounds lost. I'm not going to stress about this, I'm going to use the tools and tips that I get at my meetings, trust my heart and my previous knowledge, and live and have fun this time around.

BRING IT!

The cycle ends right now...

I don't even know what to say right now. I've fallen so far off of the weight watchers track that I can't even see which way is up or down anymore. I weighed myself today and even though it's making me bawl typing it...I've gained a massive 25 pounds since June. I've been eating whatever I want whenever I want to. I've become lazy and have lost my will to run. A boy broke my heart and I started eating my feelings. My dad and grandmaw had scares and ended up in the hospital weeks apart from the other so I started stress eating. While all of these are reasons for that big number...it doesn't excuse my eating behavior. Weight watchers gave me the tools to avoid all of those and instead of applying what I learned during those times...I just took the easy way out and stuffed my face because it made me happy for .5 seconds. It's funny, isn't it? I'm depressed because I keep eating too much and I keep eating too much because I'm depressed. But that cycle ends right now. I just had a massive cry to my mom, I'm talking the gasping for air type of crying, and she's going to help give me a nudge in the right direction.

I need to stop taking the easy way out. The hardest things in life are the things you have to struggle and fight for. And I'm going to lose this weight regardless of whether I have to run, walk, crawl, cry, bled, and scream for it. Because in the end the biggest struggles are the most worthwhile. One of my best friends, after I talked to her about my weight gain, told me "That girl who wrote those blog posts about being strong and motivated, that's still you. So find that inside of you again." She has had the most faith in me since I started this almost a year ago and it's her faith that helps keep me going and helps me believe in myself again.

I hope today was the kick in the butt that I needed to get back on track because I know where I've been before I started this and I really don't want to be back in that dark place. But I guess if I just give up and accept it as my "fate" instead of doing everything that I could possibly do to get as far away from that past as I could then I really do deserve it. Because I have the power to change for the better, I have the power to lose the weight..AGAIN. I have the power to be the person I want to be with no help from anyone. I can't count on people to make me happy, get me in gear, etc. When I let people control my emotions...when they leave I'm helpless, and I shouldn't be. So I'm in charge of myself from now on. I will make myself happy, I will put myself first. I control what I do, no one else and it's time I realize my own strength.

The fight is back on, it's the fight of my life and I will be victorious. Watch me.

T(rain) E(ndure) A(chieve) M(atter)

12/31/09

weight: 260
BMI: 39.5

10/8/10
weight: 217.2
BMI: 33.0

Moving on..

It's been a long 5 month since I've last updated on my weight loss journey. You can probably guess by now (and by seeing my 11 pound gain) that over those 5 months I struggled to hold on to my weight watchers wagon..sometimes only managing to grasp at it with a fingernail. I only started going back to meetings yesterday and I feel rejuvenated.

Before yesterday I felt like I was spiraling out of control and had lost all hope. But everything's changed now. After just one day of eating right I feel completely in control of my body and I just now realized how much I missed it! :)

On October 2, 2010 I completed my first half marathon after 5 months of insane training with Team In Training (www.teamintraining.org) seriously could not have picked a better group of people to experience this with. My finish time was a whopping 3 hours and 33 minutes...but at least I finished...I even got a shiny medal to prove it!

Finish line photo! Making Gaga proud.. ;)

After being able to tackle such an enormous feat...I feel empowered to anything..even get back on my weight loss journey. Times will be tough, I know. I may want to cry, quit, binge, or all of the above. But one thing is for certain...I will NEVER go back to where I was before this journey began.

How far would you go to save a life?

In January I started out on a journey to get healthy and find out who I truly am, and four months into this journey I’m fourty-three pounds lighter and so much happier. Now, I’m about to embark on the next phase of this journey by participating in my very first half marathon. Yes, I really am crazy enough to commit to walk and run 13.1 miles in one go, so in October I will be participating in the Disney Wine & Dine Half Marathon.

I’m training with a beautiful organization called Team in Training (www.teamintraining.org) and I’ve committed to run this half marathon not just for myself, but for the millions of people that suffer every year from Leukemia and Lymphoma. I get to improve my health, while raising money and awareness so that other people can improve and better their lives as well. How amazing is that?

I really want to help make a difference in other people’s lives, but I can’t do it alone. So, I need YOUR help. Please, give what you can…ever bit helps. If you’re not able to lend your financial support, moral support is greatly appreciated as well. I know this leg of my journey is going to be a tough one. But the hardest things in life are the most worthwhile, right?

My fundraising page: http://pages.teamintraining.org/la/diswine10/lfayard

If you can dream it...you can do it!

So I haven't been a very good blogger lately, but that's mostly because my weight loss journey has been going up and down and I really didn't have anything substantial to blog about. Until now..

Everyone should mark down October 2 on their calendars, because it is a very important date. Why is that you ask? Because October 2 will be the day my mom, my best friend, and I embark on our very first half marathon. But this isn't just any old half marathon, it goes through 3 of the parks at Disney and ends at Epcot! Being as I've never actually been in any of the Disney parks before, I'm as excited as a 5 year old.

If you had told me four months ago that I even thought walking/running 13.1 miles was even a slight possibility for me, I would have laughed right in your face, and then felt bad about it. I actually believe that I can do this half marathon, and I'm not talking about a delusional blind faith in myself. I whole-heartedly feel that I can achieve this goal. The organization that is doing this has a program where you train with a group every Saturday in addition to training on your own throughout the week. They also have clinics you can go to and mentors and coaches that help you every step of the way.

But, there's a catch..

Each participant has to raise a minimum of $1900 in order to participate. Needless to say my faith in managing to raise that amount of money before October 2 is not unwavering. It's pretty much a non-existent faith. But I'm going to try my hardest to achieve it.

In a week or two, I should have my very own website in association with Team in Training (http://www.teamintraining.org/) for donations, if anyone is interested in helping my dream come true! Every little bit helps!

This Thursday when I weigh in, I promise to update my weekly weigh-in which I know is about 3 weeks behind.

In the mean time, I went to Orlando a couple of weekends ago to see one of my beautiful best friends off to work in Disney for 7 months. The trip was short but so amazing, so I thought I'd share a few pictures with you guys :)

Arghhh matey! The name be Jack Sparrow. ;)
(we even have our trustworthy bottle of rum on hand)

He's got such a big head and wittle bitty arms.

Bestest friends forever & always :) ♥

To infinity and beyond!
I'm going to miss that girl for the next 7 months! :(

:)

And I'm just 18 pounds away and I'll be (back) in ONEderland like it was yesterday...

** To anyone that does not know which song that title was inspired by, please go look up Lies by McFly. They're one of my obsessions!**


12/31/09
weight: 260
BMI: 39.5

5/6/10
weight: 217.2
BMI: 33.0

Managed to hit my goal of losing two pounds this week (and then some) despite celebrating Cinco de Mayo the night before with chicken enchiladas, chips, hummus, and Hungry Girl margaritas! :) Just goes to show you that weight watchers really does allow you to eat what you want and still be healthy and lose weight!

Also, I'm only 18 pounds away from being in sweet sweet ONEderland. Something that hasn't happened since I was in 8th grade. Hopefully, I'll be there by the time I head back to school in August. I'm so close I can taste it! And I'm also only 3 away from being classified as 'overweight' instead of 'obese' according to the BMI Standard. Good things are on the horizon for this summer!

I've decided to write a dedication blog to my beautiful inspiration, my mom, for Mother's Day, so be on the lookout for some cheese on here by Sunday! ;)

Dear Leanne,

I'm writing you this letter so when you come across hard times, you can be reminded of how you felt today. You managed to hit a new weight decade today..while reaching your fourty pound milestone along the way. Always remember how fearless and unstoppable you felt today. Don't forget that feeling of accomplishment you felt. How you almost cried because everyone in your meeting clapped really loud and was genuinely excited for your milestone. So many people believe in you...even when you don't believe in yourself.

Remember that no matter how impossible it seems, you CAN and ARE doing this. You've come so far. Do you really want to go back to being the girl you used to be? The girl you left behind about thirty five pounds ago? The one who made excuses until she was blue in the face, all because she didn't want to leave the house? The one who had to fake her happiness when she was around the people she loved? The girl who never felt comfortable in her skin? The girl who didn't even feel like a girl, at all?

I know throughout your weight loss journey thus far you've constantly doubted yourself. But look at how far you've come. You're actually able to run for three minutes straight four times and you only slightly feel like you're going to die. You actually like shopping now, and own more dresses than you ever thought you would. You expose your arms IN PUBLIC, which still shocks you to this day. You laugh more. And you cry less.

Last weekend you were walking to a store with your mom and she turned to you and said, "Doesn't being healthy feel good?" Remember that when you're really craving Burger King. Remember that when you'd rather sleep then work out. Just...remember that.

Also, constantly remind yourself that you are worth it. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to live your life, instead of hiding in the shadows. You ARE worth everything you ever dreamed of. No more skipping out on fun activities because you're scared of people commenting on the 'poor fat girl' that's embarassing herself. No more not going places because you're afraid your weight will restrict you.

Quit selling yourself short. You have so much to offer and this is only the beginning. Push yourself and you'll constantly be surprised by your own strength.

I'm through accepting limits 'cause someone says they're so. Some things I cannot change, but till I try, I'll never know!

--Wicked, Defying Gravity

12/31/09
weight: 260
BMI: 39.5

4/29/10
weight: 219.6
BMI: 33.4

Go girl, it's your birthday!

12/31/09
weight: 260
BMI: 39.5

4/14/10
weight: 220.8
BMI: 33.6

This past weekend was my 21st birthday and I had made a deal with myself that from Thursday-Sunday I wasn't going to count what I was eating and just enjoy my 21st. My view is that those 4 days are only FOUR days out of an entire year where I let loose on my weight loss journey, so no harm no foul right?

Thursday evening I drove up to Baton Rouge to go dress shopping and bring in my birthday with my bestest friend Amanda.

Birthday dress #1

Birthday dress # 2

I hadn't eaten hardly anything leading up to dinner, so it was safe to say that when 8 o'clock rolled around I was ravenous and just wanted to devour everything in site. We ended up getting Chick fil A and I decided, "Screw grilled chicken and a salad", I really want the fried chicken sandwich and some waffle fries. Words cannot describe how delicious that meal was, and I definitely enjoyed every last bite of it. (When I got home the next day I looked up the points for my meal and it really wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be.)

We celebrated my birthday by having some mudslides and then going out at midnight so I could buy my first alcoholic purchase....Abita Purple Haze beer.



Enter Friday, my actual 21st birthday. My mom was a sweetheart and took me and a couple of my friends to dinner...I picked Cucos (a mexican restaurant). We managed to get there during happy hour, so I just HAD to get a double frozen margarita, right? Right. It was so delicious and I rounded out our dinner trip with a make your own burrito, complete with sour cream, mexican rice, and loads of shredded cheese, and chips and queso dip. Yet still managed to only have 2 little bites of the free fried ice cream I got since it was my birthday.



After dinner, me and my friends headed for the hotel room my beautiful best friend Tracie snagged us for my birthday. When I walked into the hotel room, Tracie, Lien, and Vivian had managed to completely cover the floor with black and pink balloons and had streamers hung up in the hallway. It was so beautiful and I was so touched that someone would do all of that for me that I cried. Best.birthday.EVER.

SERIOUSLY, how amazing is that cake and birthday card?!

I managed to stay on point drink wise, limiting myself to 2 drinks, some shots, and one beer. And even got some activity points in by dancing until almost 4 am. :)








Best night ever? Yeah.

Saturday night I went to dinner with my entire family at Copeland's Cheesecake Bistro. I ordered a Mai Tai..mmm, and we got the spinach and artichoke appetizer, my favorite. It was muy delicioso. Then my mom and I split the chicken ceaser sandwich, it came with fries and you know I attacked those, and each got a side salad. After dinner I went to a friend's apartment just to enjoy some good company with people I loved...a good way to end my birthday weekend.

I may have gone a little overboard on the whole "off weight watchers" for the weekend thing, but I don't regret it at all. I even stepped on the scale yesterday and the damage wasn't as bad as I was dreading it to be. I managed to get myself right back on plan this morning and am bracing myself for a gain this week. You need slip ups every once in a while, no one's perfect and if you put that pressure on yourself to be, it's only going to backfire on you.

I'm flying high, defying gravity.

12/31/09
weight: 260
BMI: 39.5

4/8/10
weight: 221.4
BMI: 33.7

After skipping last week's weigh in because of being sick and having relatives in town, I didn't really find myself nervous for this week's weigh in, because quite honestly I know I haven't been eating a good deal of my allotted points these past two weeks, simply because I haven't been home and haven't had the time..I know those are both horrible excuses and I know that's me being a bad weight watcher, but what can I do? I'm going to get back to actually eating breakfast lunch AND dinner, not one or two of the three a day. But I'm nervous that when I get back to my normal regime I'll gain some of the weight back. I know once I get back into the swing of things those pounds will just come off like they're supposed to, so I'll be okay.

I weighed in yesterday over 7 pounds lighter but I couldn't even be excited for it because I knew I was cheating the program by not eating. This is my promise that I'll get back to my schedule after my birthday weekend...next weekend.

In happier news, I went to see Wicked this past Wednesday and for the first time in my LIFE, I wore a strapless dress in public, and I don't think it looked that horrible.

Exhibit A:

And looking on the bright side of things...my 7 pound loss means that I only need to lose 1.4 pounds at next weeks weigh in to meet my goal of -40 by my birthday! I think I can actually do it!

On the horizon, as the morning breaks...I can see a brand new day that's full of new mistakes.

This weekend has been full of a lot of temptations for me. I spent Thursday-Saturday at my aunt's house and whenever my family gets together, the house turns into Yummy Food City and I used to be the mayor of it, content to eat everything that was in front of me just because it was all so dang good. But this year I was more than happy to just be a tourist visiting for a few hours.

On Good Friday we have a tradition of boiling crawfish and crabs...which I don't eat, so no worries there. And we also have...temptation #1: stuffed artichokes. These babies are one of my top 5 favorite foods EVER, so you know there was no way I was passing it up. I looked up the points value for one beforehand and simply adjusted my day's worth of eating so I could have one. Seriously, it was so worth it, I can still taste it just by thinking about it.

Since my nanny won't be here for my birthdaylater in April, she lives in Houston, and my sister's birthday was this last Thursday, we had our birthday celebration on Good Friday with my nanny. And that brings in temptation #2: Red Velvet cake...my mouth watered just typing that. I had gone back and forth all day trying to decide if I wanted a little piece or not. By the time I was cutting everyone's pieces I had decided to pass on the cake, so I wouldn't feel guilty about indulging a bit over my real birthday weekend. :) Truth be told, I did have a little taste of the icing off the plate the cake was on...mmm.

Temptation #3: Easter. Over the past few weeks I would flip flop from telling my mom to just get me a couple pieces of candy to just not giving me anything at all. I quickly nicked the second option, because I didn't want to feel like I was depriving myself of anything. So the easter bunny filled my little basket with weight watcher friendly treats.



Nerd's Rope
whole rope
calories: 90
fat: 0
fiber: 0

Mamba fruit chews
per 6 pieces
calories: 100
fat: 1 g
fiber: 0

Tootsie pops
1 pop
calories: 60
fat: 0
fiber: 0

Necco wafers
1 roll
calories: 220
fat: 0
fiber: 0

I went shopping yesterday and got a really cute dress from Target, so I put it on and took a progress picture to post on here.




I know I've been neglecting my poor blog, so here's my vow to stay on track from now on. I was really sick last week, so for the first time...I skipped my weigh in this past Thursday.
But never fear...here are my results from the Thursday before that.

12/31/09
weight: 260
BMI: 39.5

3/25/10
weight: 228.6
BMI: 34.8

I've lost 31.4 since January and I'm 8.6 pounds away from my goal of having lost 40 pounds by my 21st birthday. Anyone think I can lose 8.6 in 2 weeks? Seems a bit impossible to me, but I'm going to try really hard anyway! :)

Oops...

I just remembered I never posted this past week's weigh in results! Naughty naughty fletchy wetchy!

So, I'm just going to post the results and try to think of an actual blog to write after this weeks results in a couple days.

12/31/09
weight: 260
BMI: 39.5

3/18/10
weight: 232.4
BMI: 35.3

I managed to bring my tally up to 27+ pounds lost! And I hit my 10% weight lost last week, it was beautiful!

And my lovely mother his her goal weight as well, bringing her weight loss total to 100.4! What an inspiration she is!

Did I ever tell you you're my hero?

I'm dedicating this blog post to my mom because whenever I don't know if I can go on with my mission, I just look at her and see how far she's come and I see that I CAN do this.

My mom is .6 away from her goal weight, she's lost 90+ since she started weight watchers and I couldn't be more proud of her. She's my biggest inspiration, motivation, hero, best friend and cheerleader without even knowing it. Her strength seriously boggles my mind. She pretty much single handedly takes care of our family, has a full time job, cooks delicious dinners for everyone and still finds time to exercise and put her weight loss journey first. I would love nothing more than to grow up to be just like her.

This weeks results:
12/31/09
weight: 260
BMI: 39.5

3/11/10
weight: 235.4
BMI: 35.8

I was dreading weighing in today because I swore I was going to gain. I stepped on the scale and braced myself to see my leader give me a pity look, only to have her say "CHA-CHING" and whisper you're down 2 pounds! I need to have more confidence in myself, because I've stayed on point with weight watchers for 10 weeks now, and still I'm second guessing my success. When she said that I had lost 2 pounds, my first thought was: "I must not have been standing on the scale all the way or something." I couldn't just congratulate myself and see that all my hard work is paying off. Believing in myself is my biggest fault and I'm really trying to work on that, guess this weight loss journey is about losing more than the weight. I need to lose the self doubt, negative energy, and shyness.

For next week I'm aiming for losing 1.6 so I can get over 25 pounds lost AND hit my 10% at the same time! And my mom is determined to reach her goal weight this week!

So fingers crossed that next week is a week of celebration for us both.

A dream is a wish your heart makes...

Photo blog time!

Me at my start weight of 260

And me now..a little over 22 pounds lighter.

I honestly don't see a difference, but the dress I'm wearing is flowy and a little big on me..so maybe that's why.

I went to the Disney Princess exhibit at NOMA this past weekend with two of my friends and we had a mini photoshoot in City Park, and I just wanted to share some of the pictures with y'all.

NARNIAAAAAAAAAAAAA! :)

You're having delusions of grandeur..

12/31/09
weight: 260
BMI: 39.5

3/4/10
weight: 237.4
BMI: 36.1

My weight loss tally is 22.6 now! I honestly cannot believe that I've managed to lose over 20 pounds since starting this journey. I finally feel like I can honestly do this and keep it up!

On Sunday I went to play Laser Tag with my friends for a birthday, and the whole day I was thinking of backing out simply because I was scared I wouldn't be able to fit in the vests. I mean those vests are aimed toward little kids, not overweight adults. When I voiced my concerns my two friends in the car with me reacted like I had just told them I had 3 heads. I couldn't help but think, am I really that delusional or are they just being good friends? I've been haunted by fear of not fitting into things. Going to theme parks, a supposed fun experience, was always mixed with anxiety. Would I be the person that is asked to leave the ride because I don't fit? I actually passed up an opportunity to go to Disney World for the first time a few summers ago because I was so scared I wouldn't be able to fit on the rides. And I almost considered not going to play Laser Tag because of my fear. Yet again I was faced with my being overweight hindering me from living my life. After my friends assured me that I would in fact fit in the vests, I went to the party and had so much fun that I'm seriously considering going there for my 21st birthday in April. Oh, by the way..the vest did in fact fit...with room to spare!

Put your boots on baby. Get to work, work.

Let's just get the embarassing bit out of the way, shall we?

12/31/09
weight: 260
BMI: 39.5

2/25/10
weight: 240.6
BMI: 36.6

Thanks to the 2.6 pounds I've in week eight of weight watchers, I am only .4 pounds away from bringing my total weight loss up to TWENTY POUNDS! I've lost 19.6 pounds so far, I never NEVER thought I would be able to stick with this but taking things one week at a time has proved effective.

I'm going to try to tackle day 1 of Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred today, wish me luck! So in the spirit of exercise, I thought I'd share my top songs that are always on my workout playlist :)

1.) Britney Spears: Stronger
2.) Lady Gaga: Bad Romance
3.) The Saturdays: Ego
4.) Ke$ha: Your Love is my Drug
5.) Britney Spears: 3
6.) Lady Gaga: Monster
7.) The Saturdays: Work
8.) The Veronicas: Untouched
9.) McFly: Lies
10.) Ke$ha: Tik Tok
11.) The Saturdays: Up
12.) Lady Gaga: Beautiful, Dirty, Rich
13.) Pixie Lott: Boys and Girls
14.) The Ting Tings: That's not my name
15.)Britney Spears: Lonely
16.) Ashlee Simpson: Lala
17.)Ke$ha: Take It Off
18.)Ke$ha: Kiss 'n' Tell
19.)Ke$ha: Blah Blah Blah
20.)The Veronicas: This Is How It Feels

I've got tons more, but I figured you get the picture. Anything upbeat, fast, and fun to sing to will make my workout list. Hopefully by next week I can think of a different or really good post for my 20 pound milestone!

I want something to live for.

It's really hard for me to post this picture on this blog for everyone to see. Look at how uncomfortable I am. I can remember that I thought that shirt was too tight, when in fact it fit how regular shirts are supposed to fit. I'm notorious for buying clothes that are too big for me, and my friends constantly tell me I need clothes that fit. Truth be told, I'd rather be swimming in my clothes and be able to hide in them then to wear something form fitting and risk letting the world see my fat rolls, etc.
This picture is the essence of me before I started this WLJ. I'm so uncomfortable in my own skin that I can't even stand to have my picture taken from the neck down. Granted this picture is at least 3 years old and my weight has changed aka gone up since then. Whenever I'd be out with my friends and the camera would come out it was constantly a game of 'who can Leanne hide behind for each picture?' I'm only 20 years old, I'm supposed to be having the time of my life, not hiding behind people for pictures or hiding in my room away from the world, ashamed of what I've become. That's not even a life, it's just an existance. I don't want to exist...I want to live. I want to travel, go out every weekend. Be a social butterfly. Be the fun friend again. Not the friend who is forced to go out and be with her other amazing, wonderful friends.


This is last Mardi Gras (Feb. '09) by this point I had lost about 50 pounds working with a place called 'Physician's Weight Loss Center' while I was amazingly successful doing this program, the eating plan was so strict that I had to eat the same amount of the exact same foods almost everyday and after awhile I just got tired of it and went over the deep end. But I looked at all of the pictures after my weight loss, and while it wasn't a significant loss, I was so much happier. I went out more, heck I was barely home last Mardi Gras. It was a beautiful time and I was starting to act more like myself. But after I gained all the weight back, I was in an even bigger rut than before I started.

I won't fall off the deep end this time, at this moment I feel like I could look over the edge of that cliff I fell off last year and not even be scared to fall. I have a great support system in my family, friends, and WW members, I can succeed and I WILL.

I'm tired of simply existing, I want to live. I want to build a life I can look back on in 50 years and be happy about. I want to have stories to tell grandchildren. I want to HAVE grandchildren,children, a husband. I can't do any of that until I'm happy with the person I am, and while I may not be there yet...I keep getting closer and closer as the weeks go by.

Something has changed within me, something is not the same...

So, I had my weekly WI at weight watchers earlier this evening and the results from the scale are AMAZING. I managed to lose 4.4 pounds this week bringing the grand total up to 16.8!!!! I've lost 16.8 pounds in 7 weeks! After I get to -20, I think I'm going to try to slow my weight loss down a bit so I can tone as I lose. When my dad gets home from work later tonight, I'm begging him to reactivate my gym membership, because I've been dying to get on the Elliptical and get some weight training in.

When I put my results on twitter one of my followers and fellow WW member asked what my secret is, and while I really don't have any magic trick up my sleeve to keep losing weight every week,I've decided to write a blog(s) about what I've done so far in my weight loss journey (including favorite low calorie foods, excersice, etc).

While weight watchers prides themselves on giving you room to be flexible, I'm a creature of habit and comfort, so I basically eat most of the same foods everyday. I know someday I'll get tired of them, but WW is teaching me how to be able to branch out in a healthy way that will blend with my new lifestyle..I'm just not there yet. I don't trust myself yet to not binge on fast food, chocolate, etc.

So here are some of my low calorie/point staples that get me through every week:

Apple Jacks
1 cup
calories: 100
fat grams: 0.5 g
fiber: 3 g

100 calorie Multigrain english muffins
1 muffin
calories: 100
fat grams: 1 g
fiber: 1 g

Sugarfree Grape Jam
1 tbsp
calories: 10
fat grams: 0 g
fiber: 0 g

Nature's Own Sandwich Thins (seriously I would be in trouble without these bad boys)
1 sandwich thin
calories:100
fat grams: 1 g
fiber: 5 g

Jennie-O Lean Savory Turkey Burgers (I could eat these babies every day and never get sick of them..they are like food from the gods..for me at least)
1 patty
calories: 160
fat grams: 9 g
fiber: 1 g

Fiber One 90 calorie chocolate bars
1 bar
calories: 90
fat grams: 2 g
fiber: 5 g

The Skinny Cow Strawberry Shortcake ice cream sandwich
1 sandwich
calories: 140
fat grams: 2 g
fiber: 3 g

The Skinny Cow low fat Fudge bar
1 bar
calories: 100
fat grams: 1 g
fiber: 4 g

I'm also constantly stuffing my face with fruits and vegetables every day. And water has become my best friend...I haven't had soda of any form since New Years eve. If you can't imagine yourself downing at least 6 glasses of water everyday, I find that Crystal light flavor packets make it easier..and they're only 5 calories a packet!

This blog has basically been super formal and longer than I anticipated..I promise the next one won't be as boring. I think next blog I'll list my favorite workout songs and my favorite workouts I do every week, or want to do in the coming weeks.

Oh, and I've decided to start posting my results by putting my original weight up here and then my weight after my weigh in. This is really humbling and humiliating for me. I know I'm not that weight anymore, but the fact that I was EVER the weight I used to be is mind blowing. Here's to hoping to NEVER see that number again.


12/31/2009
weight: 260
BMI: 39.5

2/18/2010
weight: 243.2
BMI: 37.0

I'm stronger than I ever thought that I would be

Am I the only one that finds Stronger by Britney Spears extremely motivating??

So, reading through the last six blogs I've already posted, they left me feeling depressed. I'm over writing about how sad being overweight has made me. I'm ready to move onto writing about how happy I am that I've finally committed to making a change. Throughout this WLJ (weight loss journey) I plan on finding not only smaller clothes that I will fit in, but finding my confidence, finding my inner peace, and mostly finding myself. I feel like the real Leanne is buried under all of this fat and she's just itching to come out.

Things I've learned today:

Be good to yourself.
Persistence, NOT perfection.
If you have the heart, the mind and body will follow.

I just got back from my weight watchers weekly meeting feeling rejuvenated and re-motivated. I CAN do this, heck I AM doing it. I'm in my sixth week at weight watchers and I've managed to lose 12.4 pounds. As each pound drops I'm feeling more confident in myself, I know I can do it and those results are just justifying that belief.

I'm no longer looking at how miserable I was/am I'm looking forward. I'm looking forward to walking into any clothing store, trying on beautiful clothes, and putting them back not because they didn't fit or look good, but because I couldn't afford them. I'm looking forward to having my social life back and not being anxious about going out because I'm worried people are constantly judging me. I'm looking forward to not being scared to talk to boys OR anyone new in general, not trying to shrink into myself for fear someone tries to include me in a conversation.

I will never be the weight I was six weeks ago, I will never be that unhappy about myself. I will never not take care of myself again. I AM important, I AM worth something, and it's time other people see that.


Basically you get the point, I'm looking forward.

Because from where I am right now, what's to come in my life is so much better than anything I could find from looking in the past.

I will fight the fight and keep defying..

This week, I've actually been able to inspire myself to stick with this. I know the road I'm on now will be challenging, but the hardest things in life are the things that are actually worth something. So it goes without saying that trying to massively improve my life will be a fight to end all fights. But I will win. I'm determined. I was dejected last week after only losing .8, but instead of just giving up like I normally would, I got angry and it lit a fire under me. I was determined to work out more and be anal about what I ate. It was not as hard as I thought it would be, and it paid off tremendously this week. I got to Weight Watchers, praying that I managed to lose two pounds, so that I could bring my weight loss tally up to 5 pounds, but imagine my surprise when I got on that scale and the lady smiled and gave me two thumbs up, then whispered "you lost 6.2 pounds this week." I was in shock and truthfully I almost cried. I thought she meant 6.2 pounds total, but she said, "No, 6.2 just this week" That brought my previous total of 3.8 to a beautiful 10...I managed to lose 10 pounds in my first month of this 'mission'. When I told my friends, their responses were that they were so proud of me and that I've inspired them to stick with their goals. Knowing that I've inspired people has inspired me. It's the most beautiful feeling to have accomplished a goal you set out for yourself and have people say it inspired them.

For the first time in a very long time, I actually believe in myself.

Weight loss tally: -10

:)

Everyone's perfect in an unusual way

Whenever I find myself losing steam with this whole mission, I look to my favorite girls for motivation. You can probably guess that the main girl that is my motivation is Miss Mollie King of the Saturdays. Well, besides her, I love Katy Perry, Lily Allen, Lady Gaga, and Zooey Deschanel to name a few. They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so it's okay if everyone doesn't agree with my choices of motivation, but all of those lovely ladies exude beauty in my eyes. Not only are they fit, they are comfortable being themselves and that confidence I see in them is what I strive for. They're not scared to speak up for fear that people will bad mouth them. What's the point in holding true to your own beliefs and trying to be your own person if you don't let anyone else see it? It's not fulfilling for me to just know the type of person I am, I want everyone else to see it too, whether they love or hate it. In my head doing that seems easy, but whenever I try to act on it I freeze up and just sink back into my little hole. One day, I will be able to speak my mind and in return find that maybe people aren't so judging, and if they are I have to be able to say "F*** you, I like who I am and that's all that matters"

A few motivational pictures:

i saved the best for last...MOLLIE :) :)

PS after my second weigh in, my tally is at 3.8 lost. not a big difference from last week, but i'll take it. I'm shooting for 2 pounds this week. Fingers crossed.

I want someone to love me for who I am. I want someone to need me, is that so bad?

Nothing makes sense, nothing makes sense anymore
Nothing is right, nothing is right when you're gone
I'm losing my breath, I'm losing my right to be wrong
I'm frightened to death, I'm frightened that I won't be strong

I want someone to love me
For who I am
I want someone to need me
Is that so bad?
I wanna break all the madness
But it's all I have
I want someone to love me
For who I am

Hey!

I'm shaking it off, I'm shaking off all of the pain.
Breaking my heart, breaking my heart once again

I want someone to love me
For who I am
I want someone to need me
Is that so bad?
I wanna break all the madness
But it's all I have
I want someone to love me
For who I am
--Nick Jonas & the Administration

I know, I know I quoted a Nick Jonas song, but these lyrics inspired me. One of the reasons I'm doing this whole 'lifestyle change' is because I want that serious relationship. I want marriage, I want kids, I want someone to love me for me. The only problem is that I don't even know who me is anymore. People always says you have to love yourself before someone else can. How can I expect anyone to love me when I don't even love me? I'm supposed to be my own best friend, but in reality I'm my own worst enemy. I can't trust that someone will love me, when I'm so self conscious that I constantly question their actions, or if they really mean what they say. This diet is not only about losing the weight, it's about finding out who I really am. I really believe that whoever I am deep down inside, is someone worth loving. I just have to shed all of these layers to find that person. Then maybe, just maybe I'll find someone who I love for who they are, and who love me for who I am.

I don't wanna waste another day. I don't wanna live my life this way...

I've gotten to the point where I'm so uncomfortable in my own skin, that it makes me want to cry a lot of the time. I look in the mirror and I'm just disgusted. I know this is the point where all my friends look at me and say 'Leanne you are a wonderful, beautiful person. Stop being so hard on yourself'. I know I should love myself, but it's just not that easy when your daily routine consists of looking in the mirror and tearing yourself apart. What kind of value is a life like that? A life of constantly being unhappy with yourself, but faking the sally sunshine personality, because frankly if I acted the way I think in my head, no one would want to put up with my emo emily personality. I've gone all melodramatic now, so I'm going to try to turn this into a semi-positive blog. While I may be seriously unhappy with how my life is right now, I can find comfort in knowing that if I manage to stick to my mission then I'll never be this bad again. I'm at a turning point in my life where it's (forgive the cheese factor) 'all or nothing'. I know I can do this, and I know I'll be happier as a result. I won't want to sit in my house all the time when my friends ask me to go somewhere because I'm being antisocial. I won't cry in clothing store dressing rooms when clothes don't fit or just don't look right. I won't look in the mirror and pick out the negative things about my body.
Seems like a better life to me.


**note: My life isn't all horrible, I have an amazing family and the best friends I could ever ask for who make my life worthwhile and actually make me feel like I'm worth something, even after I tear myself apart.**

P.S I went to my first weight watchers weigh in, to see how much I lost for my first week. So, I'm going to start a weight loss tally on here.

Weight loss total: 3 pounds

:)

The beginning...

You know those girls at the parties who love to be the center of attention? The ones who dance with everyone, wear slightly scandalous outfits, and don't care who see them? That's not who I am.

Now, do you know the girls sitting against the wall? The ones trying to shrink into themselves for fear of someone seeing or even approaching them? They're more down my alley.

It's not that I like being the 'wallflower' type, it's just that I lack this key element that's holding me back from being the first type of girl I described: CONFIDENCE. I'm tired of being scared to be myself, and scared to put myself out there because I fear being made fun of because of my weight. I'm tired of not being able to wear the cute clothes because they either A.) don't fit me or B.) look stupid on me. I'm tired of being ashamed/disgusted of what I look like. And I'm tired of just not being happy about myself.

So, this year I decided enough is enough. I'm going to Weight Watchers and so help me I'm going to stick to it and succeed. And maybe for once be happy with myself in the process.

This blog will follow my progress in my weight loss journey (also nicknamed mission:mollie for Mollie King of The Saturdays...she's my motivation icon). I'll either be updating this every day or after every Weight Watchers meeting.

One of my best friends, Mariah aka Georgia, came up with the title of my new blog "Lost & Found" and she described it as this:
"Lost & Found, like losing weight and unhealthy habits and finding your self confidence"

:)