I want something to live for.

It's really hard for me to post this picture on this blog for everyone to see. Look at how uncomfortable I am. I can remember that I thought that shirt was too tight, when in fact it fit how regular shirts are supposed to fit. I'm notorious for buying clothes that are too big for me, and my friends constantly tell me I need clothes that fit. Truth be told, I'd rather be swimming in my clothes and be able to hide in them then to wear something form fitting and risk letting the world see my fat rolls, etc.
This picture is the essence of me before I started this WLJ. I'm so uncomfortable in my own skin that I can't even stand to have my picture taken from the neck down. Granted this picture is at least 3 years old and my weight has changed aka gone up since then. Whenever I'd be out with my friends and the camera would come out it was constantly a game of 'who can Leanne hide behind for each picture?' I'm only 20 years old, I'm supposed to be having the time of my life, not hiding behind people for pictures or hiding in my room away from the world, ashamed of what I've become. That's not even a life, it's just an existance. I don't want to exist...I want to live. I want to travel, go out every weekend. Be a social butterfly. Be the fun friend again. Not the friend who is forced to go out and be with her other amazing, wonderful friends.


This is last Mardi Gras (Feb. '09) by this point I had lost about 50 pounds working with a place called 'Physician's Weight Loss Center' while I was amazingly successful doing this program, the eating plan was so strict that I had to eat the same amount of the exact same foods almost everyday and after awhile I just got tired of it and went over the deep end. But I looked at all of the pictures after my weight loss, and while it wasn't a significant loss, I was so much happier. I went out more, heck I was barely home last Mardi Gras. It was a beautiful time and I was starting to act more like myself. But after I gained all the weight back, I was in an even bigger rut than before I started.

I won't fall off the deep end this time, at this moment I feel like I could look over the edge of that cliff I fell off last year and not even be scared to fall. I have a great support system in my family, friends, and WW members, I can succeed and I WILL.

I'm tired of simply existing, I want to live. I want to build a life I can look back on in 50 years and be happy about. I want to have stories to tell grandchildren. I want to HAVE grandchildren,children, a husband. I can't do any of that until I'm happy with the person I am, and while I may not be there yet...I keep getting closer and closer as the weeks go by.