I've gotten to the point where I'm so uncomfortable in my own skin, that it makes me want to cry a lot of the time. I look in the mirror and I'm just disgusted. I know this is the point where all my friends look at me and say 'Leanne you are a wonderful, beautiful person. Stop being so hard on yourself'. I know I should love myself, but it's just not that easy when your daily routine consists of looking in the mirror and tearing yourself apart. What kind of value is a life like that? A life of constantly being unhappy with yourself, but faking the sally sunshine personality, because frankly if I acted the way I think in my head, no one would want to put up with my emo emily personality. I've gone all melodramatic now, so I'm going to try to turn this into a semi-positive blog. While I may be seriously unhappy with how my life is right now, I can find comfort in knowing that if I manage to stick to my mission then I'll never be this bad again. I'm at a turning point in my life where it's (forgive the cheese factor) 'all or nothing'. I know I can do this, and I know I'll be happier as a result. I won't want to sit in my house all the time when my friends ask me to go somewhere because I'm being antisocial. I won't cry in clothing store dressing rooms when clothes don't fit or just don't look right. I won't look in the mirror and pick out the negative things about my body.
Seems like a better life to me.
**note: My life isn't all horrible, I have an amazing family and the best friends I could ever ask for who make my life worthwhile and actually make me feel like I'm worth something, even after I tear myself apart.**
P.S I went to my first weight watchers weigh in, to see how much I lost for my first week. So, I'm going to start a weight loss tally on here.
Weight loss total: 3 pounds
:)
you know what lee lee? youre worried of looking like an emo emily but in this blog you are being extremely real and putting yourself out there in away that can make you feel very vulnerable and i commend you for that
ReplyDeleteso dont apologize
and you dont have to be sally sunshine all the time:)
its great to be happy and sweet
but dont hide how you really feel
no one is happy everyday
there are some things worth being upset about or being sad about
and you have brought such a joy in my life
i cant imagine my world without you
so i cant wait for the day when you see how beautiful you are to meeee
but i know how you feel
i know we're both going to stick to our missions
its a lifestyle change
not just a few workouts
i love you very very very much
and i know your heart and your intentions and anytime you wanna be an emo emily
i'm here to listen !!
dearest tori, that was probably the best comment ever on the face of the earth.
ReplyDeleteit made me cry!
thank you for being there for me, and if i ever need to let my emo emily out, i'll make sure to unleash her on YOU ;)
i love you very very much!!!
we're going to stick to our missions for good!
:)