The cycle ends right now...

I don't even know what to say right now. I've fallen so far off of the weight watchers track that I can't even see which way is up or down anymore. I weighed myself today and even though it's making me bawl typing it...I've gained a massive 25 pounds since June. I've been eating whatever I want whenever I want to. I've become lazy and have lost my will to run. A boy broke my heart and I started eating my feelings. My dad and grandmaw had scares and ended up in the hospital weeks apart from the other so I started stress eating. While all of these are reasons for that big number...it doesn't excuse my eating behavior. Weight watchers gave me the tools to avoid all of those and instead of applying what I learned during those times...I just took the easy way out and stuffed my face because it made me happy for .5 seconds. It's funny, isn't it? I'm depressed because I keep eating too much and I keep eating too much because I'm depressed. But that cycle ends right now. I just had a massive cry to my mom, I'm talking the gasping for air type of crying, and she's going to help give me a nudge in the right direction.

I need to stop taking the easy way out. The hardest things in life are the things you have to struggle and fight for. And I'm going to lose this weight regardless of whether I have to run, walk, crawl, cry, bled, and scream for it. Because in the end the biggest struggles are the most worthwhile. One of my best friends, after I talked to her about my weight gain, told me "That girl who wrote those blog posts about being strong and motivated, that's still you. So find that inside of you again." She has had the most faith in me since I started this almost a year ago and it's her faith that helps keep me going and helps me believe in myself again.

I hope today was the kick in the butt that I needed to get back on track because I know where I've been before I started this and I really don't want to be back in that dark place. But I guess if I just give up and accept it as my "fate" instead of doing everything that I could possibly do to get as far away from that past as I could then I really do deserve it. Because I have the power to change for the better, I have the power to lose the weight..AGAIN. I have the power to be the person I want to be with no help from anyone. I can't count on people to make me happy, get me in gear, etc. When I let people control my emotions...when they leave I'm helpless, and I shouldn't be. So I'm in charge of myself from now on. I will make myself happy, I will put myself first. I control what I do, no one else and it's time I realize my own strength.

The fight is back on, it's the fight of my life and I will be victorious. Watch me.

T(rain) E(ndure) A(chieve) M(atter)

12/31/09

weight: 260
BMI: 39.5

10/8/10
weight: 217.2
BMI: 33.0

Moving on..

It's been a long 5 month since I've last updated on my weight loss journey. You can probably guess by now (and by seeing my 11 pound gain) that over those 5 months I struggled to hold on to my weight watchers wagon..sometimes only managing to grasp at it with a fingernail. I only started going back to meetings yesterday and I feel rejuvenated.

Before yesterday I felt like I was spiraling out of control and had lost all hope. But everything's changed now. After just one day of eating right I feel completely in control of my body and I just now realized how much I missed it! :)

On October 2, 2010 I completed my first half marathon after 5 months of insane training with Team In Training (www.teamintraining.org) seriously could not have picked a better group of people to experience this with. My finish time was a whopping 3 hours and 33 minutes...but at least I finished...I even got a shiny medal to prove it!

Finish line photo! Making Gaga proud.. ;)

After being able to tackle such an enormous feat...I feel empowered to anything..even get back on my weight loss journey. Times will be tough, I know. I may want to cry, quit, binge, or all of the above. But one thing is for certain...I will NEVER go back to where I was before this journey began.

How far would you go to save a life?

In January I started out on a journey to get healthy and find out who I truly am, and four months into this journey I’m fourty-three pounds lighter and so much happier. Now, I’m about to embark on the next phase of this journey by participating in my very first half marathon. Yes, I really am crazy enough to commit to walk and run 13.1 miles in one go, so in October I will be participating in the Disney Wine & Dine Half Marathon.

I’m training with a beautiful organization called Team in Training (www.teamintraining.org) and I’ve committed to run this half marathon not just for myself, but for the millions of people that suffer every year from Leukemia and Lymphoma. I get to improve my health, while raising money and awareness so that other people can improve and better their lives as well. How amazing is that?

I really want to help make a difference in other people’s lives, but I can’t do it alone. So, I need YOUR help. Please, give what you can…ever bit helps. If you’re not able to lend your financial support, moral support is greatly appreciated as well. I know this leg of my journey is going to be a tough one. But the hardest things in life are the most worthwhile, right?

My fundraising page: http://pages.teamintraining.org/la/diswine10/lfayard

If you can dream it...you can do it!

So I haven't been a very good blogger lately, but that's mostly because my weight loss journey has been going up and down and I really didn't have anything substantial to blog about. Until now..

Everyone should mark down October 2 on their calendars, because it is a very important date. Why is that you ask? Because October 2 will be the day my mom, my best friend, and I embark on our very first half marathon. But this isn't just any old half marathon, it goes through 3 of the parks at Disney and ends at Epcot! Being as I've never actually been in any of the Disney parks before, I'm as excited as a 5 year old.

If you had told me four months ago that I even thought walking/running 13.1 miles was even a slight possibility for me, I would have laughed right in your face, and then felt bad about it. I actually believe that I can do this half marathon, and I'm not talking about a delusional blind faith in myself. I whole-heartedly feel that I can achieve this goal. The organization that is doing this has a program where you train with a group every Saturday in addition to training on your own throughout the week. They also have clinics you can go to and mentors and coaches that help you every step of the way.

But, there's a catch..

Each participant has to raise a minimum of $1900 in order to participate. Needless to say my faith in managing to raise that amount of money before October 2 is not unwavering. It's pretty much a non-existent faith. But I'm going to try my hardest to achieve it.

In a week or two, I should have my very own website in association with Team in Training (http://www.teamintraining.org/) for donations, if anyone is interested in helping my dream come true! Every little bit helps!

This Thursday when I weigh in, I promise to update my weekly weigh-in which I know is about 3 weeks behind.

In the mean time, I went to Orlando a couple of weekends ago to see one of my beautiful best friends off to work in Disney for 7 months. The trip was short but so amazing, so I thought I'd share a few pictures with you guys :)

Arghhh matey! The name be Jack Sparrow. ;)
(we even have our trustworthy bottle of rum on hand)

He's got such a big head and wittle bitty arms.

Bestest friends forever & always :) ♥

To infinity and beyond!
I'm going to miss that girl for the next 7 months! :(

:)

And I'm just 18 pounds away and I'll be (back) in ONEderland like it was yesterday...

** To anyone that does not know which song that title was inspired by, please go look up Lies by McFly. They're one of my obsessions!**


12/31/09
weight: 260
BMI: 39.5

5/6/10
weight: 217.2
BMI: 33.0

Managed to hit my goal of losing two pounds this week (and then some) despite celebrating Cinco de Mayo the night before with chicken enchiladas, chips, hummus, and Hungry Girl margaritas! :) Just goes to show you that weight watchers really does allow you to eat what you want and still be healthy and lose weight!

Also, I'm only 18 pounds away from being in sweet sweet ONEderland. Something that hasn't happened since I was in 8th grade. Hopefully, I'll be there by the time I head back to school in August. I'm so close I can taste it! And I'm also only 3 away from being classified as 'overweight' instead of 'obese' according to the BMI Standard. Good things are on the horizon for this summer!

I've decided to write a dedication blog to my beautiful inspiration, my mom, for Mother's Day, so be on the lookout for some cheese on here by Sunday! ;)

Dear Leanne,

I'm writing you this letter so when you come across hard times, you can be reminded of how you felt today. You managed to hit a new weight decade today..while reaching your fourty pound milestone along the way. Always remember how fearless and unstoppable you felt today. Don't forget that feeling of accomplishment you felt. How you almost cried because everyone in your meeting clapped really loud and was genuinely excited for your milestone. So many people believe in you...even when you don't believe in yourself.

Remember that no matter how impossible it seems, you CAN and ARE doing this. You've come so far. Do you really want to go back to being the girl you used to be? The girl you left behind about thirty five pounds ago? The one who made excuses until she was blue in the face, all because she didn't want to leave the house? The one who had to fake her happiness when she was around the people she loved? The girl who never felt comfortable in her skin? The girl who didn't even feel like a girl, at all?

I know throughout your weight loss journey thus far you've constantly doubted yourself. But look at how far you've come. You're actually able to run for three minutes straight four times and you only slightly feel like you're going to die. You actually like shopping now, and own more dresses than you ever thought you would. You expose your arms IN PUBLIC, which still shocks you to this day. You laugh more. And you cry less.

Last weekend you were walking to a store with your mom and she turned to you and said, "Doesn't being healthy feel good?" Remember that when you're really craving Burger King. Remember that when you'd rather sleep then work out. Just...remember that.

Also, constantly remind yourself that you are worth it. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to live your life, instead of hiding in the shadows. You ARE worth everything you ever dreamed of. No more skipping out on fun activities because you're scared of people commenting on the 'poor fat girl' that's embarassing herself. No more not going places because you're afraid your weight will restrict you.

Quit selling yourself short. You have so much to offer and this is only the beginning. Push yourself and you'll constantly be surprised by your own strength.

I'm through accepting limits 'cause someone says they're so. Some things I cannot change, but till I try, I'll never know!

--Wicked, Defying Gravity

12/31/09
weight: 260
BMI: 39.5

4/29/10
weight: 219.6
BMI: 33.4

Go girl, it's your birthday!

12/31/09
weight: 260
BMI: 39.5

4/14/10
weight: 220.8
BMI: 33.6

This past weekend was my 21st birthday and I had made a deal with myself that from Thursday-Sunday I wasn't going to count what I was eating and just enjoy my 21st. My view is that those 4 days are only FOUR days out of an entire year where I let loose on my weight loss journey, so no harm no foul right?

Thursday evening I drove up to Baton Rouge to go dress shopping and bring in my birthday with my bestest friend Amanda.

Birthday dress #1

Birthday dress # 2

I hadn't eaten hardly anything leading up to dinner, so it was safe to say that when 8 o'clock rolled around I was ravenous and just wanted to devour everything in site. We ended up getting Chick fil A and I decided, "Screw grilled chicken and a salad", I really want the fried chicken sandwich and some waffle fries. Words cannot describe how delicious that meal was, and I definitely enjoyed every last bite of it. (When I got home the next day I looked up the points for my meal and it really wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be.)

We celebrated my birthday by having some mudslides and then going out at midnight so I could buy my first alcoholic purchase....Abita Purple Haze beer.



Enter Friday, my actual 21st birthday. My mom was a sweetheart and took me and a couple of my friends to dinner...I picked Cucos (a mexican restaurant). We managed to get there during happy hour, so I just HAD to get a double frozen margarita, right? Right. It was so delicious and I rounded out our dinner trip with a make your own burrito, complete with sour cream, mexican rice, and loads of shredded cheese, and chips and queso dip. Yet still managed to only have 2 little bites of the free fried ice cream I got since it was my birthday.



After dinner, me and my friends headed for the hotel room my beautiful best friend Tracie snagged us for my birthday. When I walked into the hotel room, Tracie, Lien, and Vivian had managed to completely cover the floor with black and pink balloons and had streamers hung up in the hallway. It was so beautiful and I was so touched that someone would do all of that for me that I cried. Best.birthday.EVER.

SERIOUSLY, how amazing is that cake and birthday card?!

I managed to stay on point drink wise, limiting myself to 2 drinks, some shots, and one beer. And even got some activity points in by dancing until almost 4 am. :)








Best night ever? Yeah.

Saturday night I went to dinner with my entire family at Copeland's Cheesecake Bistro. I ordered a Mai Tai..mmm, and we got the spinach and artichoke appetizer, my favorite. It was muy delicioso. Then my mom and I split the chicken ceaser sandwich, it came with fries and you know I attacked those, and each got a side salad. After dinner I went to a friend's apartment just to enjoy some good company with people I loved...a good way to end my birthday weekend.

I may have gone a little overboard on the whole "off weight watchers" for the weekend thing, but I don't regret it at all. I even stepped on the scale yesterday and the damage wasn't as bad as I was dreading it to be. I managed to get myself right back on plan this morning and am bracing myself for a gain this week. You need slip ups every once in a while, no one's perfect and if you put that pressure on yourself to be, it's only going to backfire on you.