The cycle ends right now...

I don't even know what to say right now. I've fallen so far off of the weight watchers track that I can't even see which way is up or down anymore. I weighed myself today and even though it's making me bawl typing it...I've gained a massive 25 pounds since June. I've been eating whatever I want whenever I want to. I've become lazy and have lost my will to run. A boy broke my heart and I started eating my feelings. My dad and grandmaw had scares and ended up in the hospital weeks apart from the other so I started stress eating. While all of these are reasons for that big number...it doesn't excuse my eating behavior. Weight watchers gave me the tools to avoid all of those and instead of applying what I learned during those times...I just took the easy way out and stuffed my face because it made me happy for .5 seconds. It's funny, isn't it? I'm depressed because I keep eating too much and I keep eating too much because I'm depressed. But that cycle ends right now. I just had a massive cry to my mom, I'm talking the gasping for air type of crying, and she's going to help give me a nudge in the right direction.

I need to stop taking the easy way out. The hardest things in life are the things you have to struggle and fight for. And I'm going to lose this weight regardless of whether I have to run, walk, crawl, cry, bled, and scream for it. Because in the end the biggest struggles are the most worthwhile. One of my best friends, after I talked to her about my weight gain, told me "That girl who wrote those blog posts about being strong and motivated, that's still you. So find that inside of you again." She has had the most faith in me since I started this almost a year ago and it's her faith that helps keep me going and helps me believe in myself again.

I hope today was the kick in the butt that I needed to get back on track because I know where I've been before I started this and I really don't want to be back in that dark place. But I guess if I just give up and accept it as my "fate" instead of doing everything that I could possibly do to get as far away from that past as I could then I really do deserve it. Because I have the power to change for the better, I have the power to lose the weight..AGAIN. I have the power to be the person I want to be with no help from anyone. I can't count on people to make me happy, get me in gear, etc. When I let people control my emotions...when they leave I'm helpless, and I shouldn't be. So I'm in charge of myself from now on. I will make myself happy, I will put myself first. I control what I do, no one else and it's time I realize my own strength.

The fight is back on, it's the fight of my life and I will be victorious. Watch me.