I will fight the fight and keep defying..

This week, I've actually been able to inspire myself to stick with this. I know the road I'm on now will be challenging, but the hardest things in life are the things that are actually worth something. So it goes without saying that trying to massively improve my life will be a fight to end all fights. But I will win. I'm determined. I was dejected last week after only losing .8, but instead of just giving up like I normally would, I got angry and it lit a fire under me. I was determined to work out more and be anal about what I ate. It was not as hard as I thought it would be, and it paid off tremendously this week. I got to Weight Watchers, praying that I managed to lose two pounds, so that I could bring my weight loss tally up to 5 pounds, but imagine my surprise when I got on that scale and the lady smiled and gave me two thumbs up, then whispered "you lost 6.2 pounds this week." I was in shock and truthfully I almost cried. I thought she meant 6.2 pounds total, but she said, "No, 6.2 just this week" That brought my previous total of 3.8 to a beautiful 10...I managed to lose 10 pounds in my first month of this 'mission'. When I told my friends, their responses were that they were so proud of me and that I've inspired them to stick with their goals. Knowing that I've inspired people has inspired me. It's the most beautiful feeling to have accomplished a goal you set out for yourself and have people say it inspired them.

For the first time in a very long time, I actually believe in myself.

Weight loss tally: -10

:)

Everyone's perfect in an unusual way

Whenever I find myself losing steam with this whole mission, I look to my favorite girls for motivation. You can probably guess that the main girl that is my motivation is Miss Mollie King of the Saturdays. Well, besides her, I love Katy Perry, Lily Allen, Lady Gaga, and Zooey Deschanel to name a few. They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so it's okay if everyone doesn't agree with my choices of motivation, but all of those lovely ladies exude beauty in my eyes. Not only are they fit, they are comfortable being themselves and that confidence I see in them is what I strive for. They're not scared to speak up for fear that people will bad mouth them. What's the point in holding true to your own beliefs and trying to be your own person if you don't let anyone else see it? It's not fulfilling for me to just know the type of person I am, I want everyone else to see it too, whether they love or hate it. In my head doing that seems easy, but whenever I try to act on it I freeze up and just sink back into my little hole. One day, I will be able to speak my mind and in return find that maybe people aren't so judging, and if they are I have to be able to say "F*** you, I like who I am and that's all that matters"

A few motivational pictures:

i saved the best for last...MOLLIE :) :)

PS after my second weigh in, my tally is at 3.8 lost. not a big difference from last week, but i'll take it. I'm shooting for 2 pounds this week. Fingers crossed.

I want someone to love me for who I am. I want someone to need me, is that so bad?

Nothing makes sense, nothing makes sense anymore
Nothing is right, nothing is right when you're gone
I'm losing my breath, I'm losing my right to be wrong
I'm frightened to death, I'm frightened that I won't be strong

I want someone to love me
For who I am
I want someone to need me
Is that so bad?
I wanna break all the madness
But it's all I have
I want someone to love me
For who I am

Hey!

I'm shaking it off, I'm shaking off all of the pain.
Breaking my heart, breaking my heart once again

I want someone to love me
For who I am
I want someone to need me
Is that so bad?
I wanna break all the madness
But it's all I have
I want someone to love me
For who I am
--Nick Jonas & the Administration

I know, I know I quoted a Nick Jonas song, but these lyrics inspired me. One of the reasons I'm doing this whole 'lifestyle change' is because I want that serious relationship. I want marriage, I want kids, I want someone to love me for me. The only problem is that I don't even know who me is anymore. People always says you have to love yourself before someone else can. How can I expect anyone to love me when I don't even love me? I'm supposed to be my own best friend, but in reality I'm my own worst enemy. I can't trust that someone will love me, when I'm so self conscious that I constantly question their actions, or if they really mean what they say. This diet is not only about losing the weight, it's about finding out who I really am. I really believe that whoever I am deep down inside, is someone worth loving. I just have to shed all of these layers to find that person. Then maybe, just maybe I'll find someone who I love for who they are, and who love me for who I am.

I don't wanna waste another day. I don't wanna live my life this way...

I've gotten to the point where I'm so uncomfortable in my own skin, that it makes me want to cry a lot of the time. I look in the mirror and I'm just disgusted. I know this is the point where all my friends look at me and say 'Leanne you are a wonderful, beautiful person. Stop being so hard on yourself'. I know I should love myself, but it's just not that easy when your daily routine consists of looking in the mirror and tearing yourself apart. What kind of value is a life like that? A life of constantly being unhappy with yourself, but faking the sally sunshine personality, because frankly if I acted the way I think in my head, no one would want to put up with my emo emily personality. I've gone all melodramatic now, so I'm going to try to turn this into a semi-positive blog. While I may be seriously unhappy with how my life is right now, I can find comfort in knowing that if I manage to stick to my mission then I'll never be this bad again. I'm at a turning point in my life where it's (forgive the cheese factor) 'all or nothing'. I know I can do this, and I know I'll be happier as a result. I won't want to sit in my house all the time when my friends ask me to go somewhere because I'm being antisocial. I won't cry in clothing store dressing rooms when clothes don't fit or just don't look right. I won't look in the mirror and pick out the negative things about my body.
Seems like a better life to me.


**note: My life isn't all horrible, I have an amazing family and the best friends I could ever ask for who make my life worthwhile and actually make me feel like I'm worth something, even after I tear myself apart.**

P.S I went to my first weight watchers weigh in, to see how much I lost for my first week. So, I'm going to start a weight loss tally on here.

Weight loss total: 3 pounds

:)

The beginning...

You know those girls at the parties who love to be the center of attention? The ones who dance with everyone, wear slightly scandalous outfits, and don't care who see them? That's not who I am.

Now, do you know the girls sitting against the wall? The ones trying to shrink into themselves for fear of someone seeing or even approaching them? They're more down my alley.

It's not that I like being the 'wallflower' type, it's just that I lack this key element that's holding me back from being the first type of girl I described: CONFIDENCE. I'm tired of being scared to be myself, and scared to put myself out there because I fear being made fun of because of my weight. I'm tired of not being able to wear the cute clothes because they either A.) don't fit me or B.) look stupid on me. I'm tired of being ashamed/disgusted of what I look like. And I'm tired of just not being happy about myself.

So, this year I decided enough is enough. I'm going to Weight Watchers and so help me I'm going to stick to it and succeed. And maybe for once be happy with myself in the process.

This blog will follow my progress in my weight loss journey (also nicknamed mission:mollie for Mollie King of The Saturdays...she's my motivation icon). I'll either be updating this every day or after every Weight Watchers meeting.

One of my best friends, Mariah aka Georgia, came up with the title of my new blog "Lost & Found" and she described it as this:
"Lost & Found, like losing weight and unhealthy habits and finding your self confidence"

:)